A Lot on My Mind.....

The last few days I have really had a heavy heart and a lot on my mind.  I am feeling quite overwhelmed with all of these thoughts, and I am praying through them so the purpose of this blog tonight, is just to try and get it all out and then maybe actually be able to fall asleep at a decent time......

The first thing that is on my mind is surrounding Christmas and how to ensure that I am teaching Caitlin the real meaning of Christmas-- celebrating Jesus' birthday!  There have been so many articles and blogs written lately that talk about eliminating Santa from the picture, as that is where the emphasis tends to head and we are struggling with this decision.  Bryan and I both grew up having Santa bring gifts, and we both just naturally assumed that we would do this for our children.  However, we are not certain anymore-- even as I have had pictures made with him this year, and Bryan has been more directly involved in participating in Santa in recent days. 

With this, I am struggling with how to make certain that I am not just giving Caitlin gifts, but giving her myself-- spending quality time teaching her and loving her.  I fear what she would say if I were to ask her what I value and she was able to respond-- would she know it was Jesus, Bryan, and her? Would she know that I read the Bible and pray?  I tend to do it at night after she is gone to bed, have I mirrored the importance of a personal relationship with Jesus before her?  Am I teaching her to love Jesus?  All of this I am struggling with......

My solution is to pray more, and ask God to show me what to do.  I feel that one thing He is leading me to do is to be more intentional in how I spend my time with Caitlin.  As a result, I am going to attempt to create a more structured schedule and routine for us during the day that involves more of me spending time with her and teaching her, loving her, and playing with her.  Rather than just haphazardly doing this and leaving the tv on.

Another area that is causing me concern is my Thirty-One business.  It is not going as well as I had hoped or prayed, and I am struggling to figure out how to move forward with it.  I know that if it is God's will, it will succeed, and all I can do is try, and hope that He opens a door soon or gives me a clear direction of what He would have me do.

The final area that has me concerned is the thought of expanding our family-- I worry about the prospect of being on bed rest for more than two weeks and how I will be able to take care of Caitlin-- especially when there are times that she only wants me-- as was the case last night, when after being up with her until 4 am without me sleeping, Bryan tried to get her to go to sleep and she had a complete meltdown, hyperventilated, etc.... thankfully she finally fell asleep in my arms.  She apparently had a 24 hour stomach virus, but she has greatly improved.  How will all of this work?  Will Caitlin know that even though I cannot carry her, I love her... is she too little for all of this? 

Many of these things are "what-if" scenarios and why and how-- and I don't have the answers and do not know where to start in many respects.  All I know to do is pray through them and ask my Heavenly Father to help me become more like Jesus and the person He would have me be with regards to being an excellent wife, mother, and to truly embody a Proverbs 31 woman.

I would appreciate your prayers as I seek for the answers to all of these questions and try to remember that God is in control and He will help me through all of this as I surrender to His Will and allow Him to transform my heart and mind.

God Bless,

Niki